So the next time someone asks you, “Where’s the proof that DOGE actually saved money?” you look them dead in the eye and say:
“Where’s your panda?”
And when they say, “That doesn’t make any sense, you’re the one who should have the panda, you’re the one who made the claims—”
You just walk away and say “see you in my driverless car on Mars in 2018 that runs on the bones of dead liberals“…”
DOGE Catastrophic Failures Blamed on Baby Pandas
As you know, our dear hero Elon Musk recently stepped down from his heroic role at the Department of Government Efficiency, or as I call it Definitely Our Greatest Experiment (DOGE). And the liberal media is trying to make him look bad just because his department was dissolved eight months early, fell roughly $1.85 trillion short of its initial savings goal, and used what Politico has called “faulty math.”
That’s right. Faulty math. You know who else used faulty math? Tesla Door Handles. And owners turned out fine, apart from being trapped and burned to death.
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In a recent interview, Musk explained how to spot government fraud using what I’m calling The Lying Panda Principle™:
It’s going to be like the Save the Baby Pandas NGO… But then it turns out no pandas are being saved in this thing, it’s just corruption, essentially. And you’re like, ‘Well, can you send us a picture of the panda?’ They’re like, ‘No.’ OK. Well, how do we know it’s going to the pandas?EXACTLY, Elon. If someone can’t prove their results, they’re obviously a fraud.
Which is why I’m SO RELIEVED that DOGE posted a “Wall of Receipts” on their website claiming $214 billion in savings. Sure, it “has not been independently verified.” Sure, outside analysis found the numbers were inflated, probably fraud. But that wall of lies is called “Receipts.” What more proof do you need than a word? It’s right there in the name!
And that brings us to the Panda-nomics.
See, the liberal media wants you to believe that when Elon promised $2 trillion in savings, (that’s a lot of pandas) then revised it to $1 trillion, (fewer pandas) then said actually $150 billion, (one panda, shared custody) that this represents some kind of “failure.”
But they’re missing the point.
Elon’s Panda Test asks: “Can you show me proof your program works?”
And DOGE answers: “We have a website” (a website is basically a digital panda).